The CatholiCity Message
Volume VI, Number 3 – February 11, 2002
Dear CatholiCity Citizen,
Yikes! (Once every year or so, we rely on "Yikes" to open this message.) We bet you can tell which of the light bulb jokes below we actually made up ourselves.
QUOTES OF THE WEEK
"Are you capable of risking your life for someone? Do it for Christ."
Pope John Paul II
"Actually, there is no way of making vomiting courteous. You have to do the next best thing, which is to vomit in such a way that the story you tell about it later will be amusing."
P.J. O'Rourke
"Calculation never made a hero."
Cardinal Newman
1. JIMBO
We had a best friend growing up, like most of you. Let's call ours "Jimmy Duffy." (Everybody else did.) Our families moved onto the same street when we were three, and we probably spent more time with each other through high school than with our own brothers and sisters, often involving ourselves in activities that got us into trouble
(though we never did any hard time).
During college, we regaled our friends with true "Jimmy Duffy Stories." These stories usually included dramatic plotlines such as fire-setting, school bus tires covered with poster paints, running from security guards, high-powered sling shots, charging "exorbitant fees" ("ripping off" is such a vulgar term) for snow removal back when New Jersey actually got snow, ransoming hub caps, "borrowing" cars owned by relatives before we had our licenses (years later, our Driver's Ed teachers were amazed at our seasoned road skills), and other, uh, hi-jinx (including a couple amusing vomiting stories) which we'd rather not put into print because our kids still live under the illusion that we were a good boys growing up (okay, in most ways, we were good boys).
Then there was the time Jimmy came up with the idea to stuff our dads' tools into two oversized pencil cases to better facilitate the "deconstruction" ("vandalism" is such an ugly term) everything in sight, starting with the school bus tail lamps, moving onto the stop valves in the boys (and girls) bathroom, and working our way to the screws that held poor Mrs. Dunmeyer's desk together (she suffered no serious injuries in the fall). Two handsome and intelligent young boys creatively exploring their environment and surroundings in a fit of educational energy, that's what we were. With tools.
And that was during our Pre-Power-Tool Era; relatively harmless fun. The Early Years, as the chapter will be titled in the (as yet, unwritten) New York Times Bestseller.
Ah, we wish we had time to tell you about how one little unbent paper clip, run through an eraser, then stuck into a power outlet could shut down an entire school for two hours (there was quite a bang before the darkness fell). They never pinned that one on us, though they tried. It was, as Jimmy explained to the authorities, "an accident." Of course it was.
It often seemed to us that the only priority our teachers had was making sure we never sat next to each other. We caused, shall we say, distractions, for the other students. Some teachers had no sense of humor. If there was Ritalin back then, we'd have been pegged for the clinical trials...
Jimmy is married and works on Wall Street now, and lost close friends to the atrocity of 11 September. He emailed the other day to say that his pastor suggested that members of his parish pray one Rosary for individual victims and families of the victims.
As time, Enron and other issues crowd the war out of the news, we can't help but think that this is the beginning of some of the more difficult times for the surviving families. All around them, life goes on, and as our president has noted, some will forget and have started to forget what happened, but the reality of loss is with the survivors every day. So let's follow the advice of Jimmy's priest, and make a point to offer a Rosary for these families and souls passed away, perhaps tonight, and maybe once a month thereafter. Let's never forget them. And let's all 70,000 of us pray for them now:
"Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death, Amen."
2. GOT NET?
If you have a website, or know a Catholic who does, you might want to consider posting small but tasteful graphic links which lead souls to the free Catholic CDs, tapes, and books we offer on CatholiCity. We've made it easy for you: you can find these graphic links here:
http://www.catholicity.com/support/linktous.html
3. GET NET
Bush asks America to pray. Ralph McInerny clarifies Church teaching on the Death Penalty. Justice Scalia weighs in on same. Jim Bemis on a Good Week for Life. Deal Hudson on postmodernist rejection of reason. And other interesting articles, by the best writers, from reliable sources, posted daily, some exclusive to CatholiCity, for your reading pleasure, on our homepage under Catholic Newswire this week:
(SOME ARTICLES STILL POSTED IN NEWSWIRE ARCHIVES)
JOKE OF THE WEEK
How many does it take to change a light bulb?
PRESBYTERIANS: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
PENTACOSTALS: Six. One to change it, and five to pray against the spirit of darkness.
MORMONS: Five. One guy to change it, and four wives to give him advice on how to do it (plus three wives who nagged him to do it in the first place).
METHODIST. You decide. You can be a light bulb, a turnip bulb, or a tulip bulb. (And remember to bring a covered dish.)
UNITARIANS: We choose not to make statement either in favor of or against light-bulb changing. If, on your own journey, you find light bulb changing works for you, fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance to express your own light bulb changing reality at our next service, if you decide to come, not that it matters either way.
ZEN BUDDHISTS: Two. One to change the light bulb, and one to not change the light bulb.
AGNOSTICS. Two. One to change the light bulb, and one to doubt whether the power company really exists.
PANTHEISTS. Two. One to change the light bulb, and one to pray to it.
ELECTRICIANS: One.
(Get it? One electrician. Ho ho! Yes, this is the one we made up.)
DOGS: None. Paws prove insurmountable obstacles to success.
CATHOLICS: None. Candles only.
SPAMMERS. Five hundred. And, after you change it, we GUARANTEE you will make $104,000 in less than three minutes if you click on Surefire Ways to Make Money Changing Light Bulbs Online, and as a bonus, lose at least 25 pounds before sun up tomorrow without dieting or exercise. Credit card please.
AMISH: What's a light bulb?
See you in a couple of weeks. Remember, seriously: don't forget.
With Christ,
Your Friends at CatholiCity
